Q: What is the official Reform position on officiating at the wedding of a Jew to a non-Jew? My fiancee and I are having difficulty arranging a Rabbi to officiate at our wedding. We want to have a Jewish wedding, and we plan to raise our children as Jews. My fiancee does not want to abandon his own religion, and I wouldn't request that he do so any more than I would consider abandoning mine. The responses we have received from rabbis have been most negative and send a message to us and to our families that Judaism does not care to support our marriage, although congregations are willing to accept membership dues from the couple after the fact. This position reinforces some of the more negative perceptions of our people. Are we looking in the wrong places or asking the wrong questions?

A: Rabbinic officiation at interfaith weddings is indeed a challenging and emotionally charged issue.  Clearly, the weight of Jewish tradition falls on the side of non-officiation, while some rabbis base their position upon individual conscience and their belief that interfaith officiation benefits the Jewish people.

The official stance of the Reform rabbinate is articulated in this 1973 resolution of the Central Conference of American Rabbis:

The Central Conference of American Rabbis, recalling its stand adopted in 1909 that mixed marriage is contrary to the Jewish tradition and should be discouraged, now declares its opposition to participation by its members in any ceremony which solemnizes a mixed marriage.

The Central Conference of American Rabbis recognizes that historically its members have held and continue to hold divergent interpretations of Jewish tradition.

Thus, rabbinic officiation is discouraged, with latitude granted to rabbis to apply their own interpretation to the mandates of Jewish tradition.  This is the brilliance of the Reform Movement and its rabbinate, that autonomy is granted to each of us to wrestle with the claims of God and Torah upon our lives.  And it has led some Reform rabbis to perform interfaith marriages, but almost always with a set of standards and conditions.

These conditions will vary, but can often include a requirement to raise children exclusively within the Jewish faith, or ritual modifications of the wedding ceremony, or even a condition that the ceremony take place outside of a synagogue setting.

It should be recognized that, no matter what, every rabbi has standards.  Thus, it is always problematic when a request is beyond the bounds of those standards.  Whether in the case of non-officiation at interfaith weddings, or in cases of officiation with certain conditions, it is common that a rabbi is placed in a position of saying “no” to a couple.

Perhaps the crux of our dilemma today as a liberal American Jewish community, is how to deal with “no.”  Given that we are shedding Jewish affiliation as assimilation increases, inclusion and a welcoming presence would seem to be a necessity.  This is the great struggle of our day – how to balance perpetuation of Judaism with perpetuation of the Jewish people themselves!

For those rabbis who do not officiate at interfaith weddings, their “no” may be hardest to hear.  Yet, it should be understood that these rabbis have placed primary emphasis on the perpetuation of Jewish tradition, and regard it as binding upon them as rabbinic officiants.  Historians will certainly look back on us, and render judgment on who and what was right.  In the meantime, rabbis must decide for themselves.

Jewish tradition would point out that the central phrase of a Jewish wedding ceremony creates a context in which only two Jews can bind themselves in marriage.  A couple stands beneath the marriage canopy and proclaims: “with this ring, be sanctified to me according to the religion of Moses and Israel.”  Inherent in this holy pledge is that both bride and groom are committing themselves to sacred marriage (Kiddushin) beneath the canopy of their shared Jewish religion.  A non-Jew, while quite possibly supportive of the Jewish people and Jewish life, has not yet made a personal commitment to enter the religion of Moses and Israel and, therefore, cannot make such a declaration in all honesty.

In point of fact, rabbis are licensed by their state to officiate at all weddings.  Legally, a rabbi may officiate at a marriage between two Christians.  However, rabbis are not only authorized representatives of the state, but also authorized representatives of 3,500 years of Jewish law and tradition.  It is as if the weight of Moses the lawgiver rests upon their shoulders and they must do all within their power to perpetuate this tradition among the people of Israel.  Of course, rabbis want to please their congregants and serve their needs.  But, when a rabbi is asked to violate a carefully thought-out framework of Jewish marriage, whatever it may be for that rabbi, this ultimately takes away from the Jewish people as a whole, even as it may serve the desires of a particular couple.

This is not to say that any rabbi has permission to be flip or hurtful in addressing interfaith couples.  On the contrary, we must all do everything within our power to bring them into our community and extend a warm and welcoming presence.  In addition, conversion prior to marriage is always an option, particularly in cases in which both partners are committed to entering their marriage with the desire to foster a Jewish home.  Often, just a bit of encouragement and support from the rabbi is all that is needed to begin the exploration of a Jewish life and possible conversion prior to marriage.

As agents of the state, rabbis are free to officiate for whomever they choose and to change the words and symbols of the traditional Jewish wedding ceremony to whatever they and the couple wish them to be.  But, as agents of Mt. Sinai, as inheritors and guardians of Jewish tradition, most rabbis will choose to be circumspect about what that tradition requires of them.  Thus, rabbis who decline to perform interfaith marriages are not intending to reject an interfaith couple or place a negative value judgment on their marriage, but rather to uphold the meaning of a Jewish wedding ceremony and the sacred commitment between bride and groom “according to the religion of Moses and Israel.”

Rabbi David M. Frank
Temple Solel
Cardiff, California

Q: How does Judaism feel about interracial Jewish marriages?

A: There are certain categories which sometimes divide people which, from a Jewish point of view, are categories which are meaningful and some categories which are not meaningful. Jewishly speaking, when it comes to marrying, religion is a category which matters. "Judaism feels" that it is best for the Jewish people when Jews marry other Jews. On the other hand, race by itself is a category which does not matter. (Actually, I find the idea of separate and distinct "races" as specious to begin with.) The Jewish people is compiled of people of just about every so-called race. When two Jews enter the holy covenant of marriage in mutual respect and love and establish a Jewish home, as one of the wedding blessings says "Zion rejoices in her children."

Unfortunately, what Judaism says or does not say on a given issue does not always determine how individual Jews will feel on that issue. I wish I could say that all Jews were free from racial prejudice, but I cannot. There is no guarantee that an interracial couple will not experience the prejudice of small people, even within the Jewish community. I would think, however, that this would be the exception rather than the rule.

Written by Rabbi Don Rossoff, Temple B'nai Or , Morristown, New Jersey

Q: I am Jewish and my wife is not. We are raising our daughter as a Jew, but my wife wants her to be exposed to Christianity as well. Every year we go to my in-laws to celebrate Christmas with them, but this year my daughter is old enough to understand what it's all about and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable about going. Will it be too confusing to her? I'm also concerned about hurting my in-law's feelings.

A: As long as you and your wife are raising your daughter exclusively as a Jew, and do not celebrate Christmas in your own home, spending Christmas with your in-laws can certainly be done, as long as it is handled properly. Just as Christians can share in a Passover Seder with the Jewish side of the family without it being THEIR holiday, Jews can share in Christmas with the Christian side of the family without it being THEIR holiday.

The real issue is what you mean by "exposing" your daughter to Christianity. Children who are given "exposures" to both traditions so that they can choose later are not considered Jewish. They are also put into the difficult position of having to choose between what they know deep down will please daddy and disappoint mommy, or vice versa.

Written by Rabbi Don Rossoff, Temple B'nai Or , Morristown, New Jersey