Q: What is the official Reform position on officiating at the wedding of a Jew to a non-Jew? My fiancee and I are having difficulty arranging a Rabbi to officiate at our wedding. We want to have a Jewish wedding, and we plan to raise our children as Jews. My fiancee does not want to abandon his own religion, and I wouldn't request that he do so any more than I would consider abandoning mine. The responses we have received from rabbis have been most negative and send a message to us and to our families that Judaism does not care to support our marriage, although congregations are willing to accept membership dues from the couple after the fact. This position reinforces some of the more negative perceptions of our people. Are we looking in the wrong places or asking the wrong questions?

A: The Union for Reform Judaism is the umbrella organization of Reform congregations in North America. The Union itself has no official position on rabbinic officiation at interfaith weddings. It sees this issue as a matter of conscience for each rabbi to decide.

There is, however, an official position of the Reform Rabbis' organization, the Central Conference of American Rabbis (CCAR). The position, voted on in 1973 and recently affirmed, is the following:

"The Central Conference of American Rabbis, recalling its stand adopted in 1909 that mixed marriage is contrary to the Jewish tradition and should be discouraged, now declares its opposition to participation by its members in any ceremony which solemnizes a mixed marriage. The Central Conference of American Rabbis recognized that historically its members have held and continue to hold divergent interpretations of Jewish tradition.
In order to keep open every channel in Judaism and Kelal Yisra-el [the Jewish People] for those who have already entered into mixed marriage, the CCAR calls upon its members:

• 1. to assist fully in educating children of such mixed marriage as Jews;
• 2. To provide the opportunity for conversion of the non-Jewish spouse; and
• 3. To encourage a creative and consistent cultivation of involvement in the Jewish community and the synagogue."

Practically speaking, what this means is this: most Reform Rabbis do not officiate at mixed-marriages, but each is free to act as his or her individual convictions and conscience lead. And regardless of one's position on officiation, rabbis are called upon to welcome interfaith couples and their children into Jewish life as much as they can. And as it happens, some of the rabbis who are most successful and innovative when it comes to welcoming intermarried couples and their families do not themselves officiate at interfaith weddings.

I myself do not officiate at intermarriages. My rabbinic colleagues who choose to officiate do so for a variety of reasons and with a range of requirements. Most who will officiate at an interfaith wedding will not co-officiate with a clergy person of another faith. And even those rabbis who perform intermarriages are often accused of "rejecting couples" when a particular couple will not abide by the particular standards of the rabbi.

In order to give you a glimpse as to why one rabbi does not officiate, allow me to share with you a small portion of a presentation I made to my congregation last month, prior to having an open discussion on the issue. I understand it will not help you with the practical matter at hand, but it may give some perspective on the experience you have had and the rabbis with whom you have spoken. You may wish to share it with your future "in-laws" as well. My hope is that it will give them a different way of looking at this situation. Whether they agree or not - I don't imagine that they would - my hope is that they would be able to understand how a clergy person who feels unable to participate in a particular ritual can still support a person's desire to live a Jewish life in other ways.

I must tell you that [interfaith officiation] is an issue with which I have been struggling for many years, for six years in Rabbinic School and for 16 years in the congregational rabbinate. I anguish over it constantly. For me, as well as for the families involved, this is an issue of principle, of passion and of pain. It hurt me to say no to people; it hurts to think that if I gave up on this principle, that perhaps this couple might feel better about Judaism. It hurts me not to do the wedding of people that I am close to, congregants, family, friends...

There are many reasons why I do not conduct weddings for interfaith couples. I will begin with the primary overriding reason. I believe that using a Jewish ceremony when one of the persons being married is not Jewish, is simply not honest. It may be beautiful, it may help people feel welcome, but as I understand it, it is not honest.

You see, at a Jewish ceremony, despite appearances, the rabbi does not marry the couple. They marry each other. The rabbi's role is that of m'sader kiddushin, the facilitator whose role is to see that the ceremony goes properly and retains its own integrity. What marries the bride to the groom and the groom to the bride is the two of them exchanging an object of value such as a ring and saying these words in the presence of witnesses, "With this ring, be thou consecrated to me as my husband or wife, according to the laws of Moses and the Jewish people." For a Jew to say these words to a non-Jew - for a non-Jew to say them to a Jew, is not honest. Take the words out or change them to fit the situation, in my opinion, strips the ceremony of its Jewish essence.

I respect the integrity of the non-Jew as a non-Jew and will not ask them to pretend to be something they are not. My own sense of integrity as a rabbi and as a person does not allow me to do so.
'But, Rabbi, if the person is will to go along with it, won't it make them feel more welcome?'

I am sure that in many cases it would. But I still cannot see using a Jewish ceremony as a carrot on a stick. It is what it is and I believe that it should be so. The Jewish wedding ceremony supposes two Jews.

A secondary reason why I do not perform interfaith weddings is that I do believe that there is and must continue to be a difference between the way we deal religiously with those who, by birth or by choice, are part of the Jewish people, part of the historic covenant we have with God.

All religious movements must deal with the issues of boundaries - when it makes principled sense to have boundaries which say, "This yes, that no" and when it does not. We have said that certain traditional boundaries are no longer meaningful to us from a religious point of view. Religiously speaking, race does not matter. Religiously speaking, gender does not matter. But religiously speaking, religion does matter, especially when it comes to those rituals which convey the values and norms of the group.

Whether it plays well or not, I believe that if we lose all sense of being a distinctive people, we stand less of a chance of having a meaningful Jewish future.

It used to be that if a mixed faith couple came to a rabbi, his job would be to say, "Don't get married." I have never done that. I respect the choice that they have made and try to help them in ways that I can to deal, not so much with the wedding, which, as important as it is, is a 20 minute segment of their lives, but with the marriage, and some of the issues and challenges they will be facing as an interfaith family. Whenever a couple calls me, I wish them mazal tov. I explain why I cannot perform their wedding and how I think that a wedding should reflect that which unites the couple and not be a reflection of an identity they do not share. I offer to meet with them, to speak about something which is more important than the wedding, that is, the marriage. In addition, I say that together we can put together a ceremony which might take aspects of each tradition, which would be performed by a religiously neutral person, like a judge. Often, they say, thank you very much and continue their search for a rabbi who will do their wedding, most often these days, with a minister. Often, what I say resonates with them, and helps them to begin to talk about some of the issues which they have pushed under the rug. Sometimes, they come in and we explore some of the issues that they have. I spend hours and hours with couples in my office, on the phone here and at home and more and more, long distance through E-mail.

I'm sorry that there is the perception that when Temples welcome interfaith couples, they are doing so simply in order to collect dues. The Reform Movement, through its national Commission on Reform Jewish Outreach and its local congregations, has truly pioneered the art of reaching out to intermarried couples. It has done so, not out of a financial motivation, but out of the conviction that it is consistent with our understanding of Judaism, is the right thing to do and is in the best interest of Judaism and the Jewish People.

It has been my experience that the individuals who have been designated by their congregations to run their Temples are motivated by a true desire to help people live rich and meaningful Jewish lives. People will certainly disagree on policies and practices, but we need not impugn another's motivation if we disagree with them on a particular issue. By the way, most congregations that I am aware of have a system whereby those who truly cannot afford the "regular dues" can arrange to pay what they can afford. Money is certainly not the issue.

Written by Rabbi Don Rossoff, Temple B'nai Or, Morristown, NJ

Q: How does Judaism feel about interracial Jewish marriages?

A: There are certain categories which sometimes divide people which, from a Jewish point of view, are categories which are meaningful and some categories which are not meaningful. Jewishly speaking, when it comes to marrying, religion is a category which matters. "Judaism feels" that it is best for the Jewish people when Jews marry other Jews. On the other hand, race by itself is a category which does not matter. (Actually, I find the idea of separate and distinct "races" as specious to begin with.) The Jewish people is compiled of people of just about every so-called race. When two Jews enter the holy covenant of marriage in mutual respect and love and establish a Jewish home, as one of the wedding blessings says "Zion rejoices in her children."

Unfortunately, what Judaism says or does not say on a given issue does not always determine how individual Jews will feel on that issue. I wish I could say that all Jews were free from racial prejudice, but I cannot. There is no guarantee that an interracial couple will not experience the prejudice of small people, even within the Jewish community. I would think, however, that this would be the exception rather than the rule.

Written by Rabbi Don Rossoff, Temple B'nai Or , Morristown, New Jersey

Q: I am Jewish and my wife is not. We are raising our daughter as a Jew, but my wife wants her to be exposed to Christianity as well. Every year we go to my in-laws to celebrate Christmas with them, but this year my daughter is old enough to understand what it's all about and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable about going. Will it be too confusing to her? I'm also concerned about hurting my in-law's feelings.

A: As long as you and your wife are raising your daughter exclusively as a Jew, and do not celebrate Christmas in your own home, spending Christmas with your in-laws can certainly be done, as long as it is handled properly. Just as Christians can share in a Passover Seder with the Jewish side of the family without it being THEIR holiday, Jews can share in Christmas with the Christian side of the family without it being THEIR holiday.

The real issue is what you mean by "exposing" your daughter to Christianity. Children who are given "exposures" to both traditions so that they can choose later are not considered Jewish. They are also put into the difficult position of having to choose between what they know deep down will please daddy and disappoint mommy, or vice versa.

Written by Rabbi Don Rossoff, Temple B'nai Or , Morristown, New Jersey