Volume 43 - Why will some rabbis officiate at same-sex marriages while others will not? How is this the same or different from the decision to officiate at intermarriages?

It appears, based on the responses given, that Reform Rabbi's consecrate same-gender marriages but are not in agreement on consecrating marriages between a Jew and a Non-Jew.  Yet both are identified (and denied) in the Torah.  It seems to me that to accept one, but not the other, is to say that a Rabbi's personal discovery holds sway over thousands of years of discussion and analysis; and, if so, what does that say about the volumes of Judaica study and principles?

Thanks. 
Mark Fisher

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Even if the statistics suggest that only 25% of interfaith couples end up affiliating with a congregation or raising their children as Jews, isn't it likely that the percentage would be even lower if no rabbi were willing to perform an interfaith ceremony? After all, if one partner in the marriage is told he or she isn't worthy of a rabbi's blessing at his/her marriage, what motivation would there be to subject the children of the marriage to the similar prospect of rejection?

To the extent that Reform Judaism is inclusive, rather than exclusive, it is more likely to attract families comprised of the varied backgrounds that are increasingly prevalent in our multi-cultural, multi-ethnic population in the US. To the extent that those families are not welcomed and embraced from their earliest stages (the marriage ceremony), those wanting a faith tradition for their children are likely to turn elsewhere.

Barbara Colton

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Dear E v' E Rabbis,

As a parent of two sons, one who married a Jew, and one, a nominal Christian, I see how differently their paths, and their children's paths have gone.  As I see it, though both were married by rabbis, one crucial difference in their weddings made the difference.  The intermarried couple was rejected for marriage by the same rabbi that "raised" my son, through bar mitzvah and confirmation.

That rabbi (my rabbi) shunted him off to another rabbi who did perform mixed marriages, and then "welcomed" him and his wife after they married.  Too late.  My son felt rejected, and has not affiliated with any congregation since.  That rabbi justified his action on principle, and maybe, too, on a little ego, which had been "offended" by my son's rejection of his admonition to marry within the religion.  (Wouldn't my wife and I have also preferred that outcome!  But sometimes, life gets in the way!)  Reminds me of when I joined the service and went to hear a minister strongly exhort the new GIs not to get married; I was already married, so his advice was futile for me!

All I'm saying is that as long as rabbis must stand on a hard principle of not marrying mixed couples, they must also bear some of the consequences of that principle, namely, the falling away of more Jews and couples from Judaism than if they allowed it.

L'Shalom,

Gerald Fleischmann

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I married a non-Jew many years ago when I was about 21 years old. This marriage produced 3 children who, because Judaism only recognized children born of a Jewish mother to be considered Jewish, were not raised Jewish.  Still these children know of their father’s religion and respect Jewish values as well as pass them on to their children.  No, I was not married by a rabbi.  While this marriage lasted only 20 years, I am very proud of my children and the values they hold dear.  I am currently married to a Jewish woman, married by a rabbi, and since this is a later in life marriage, we have no children of this marriage.  My wife and I are very active in our synagogue life.  My first wife did ask me if I wanted her to convert. It was my understanding at that time that Judaism did not believe in making that decision for somebody and that it had to be that person’s own desire.  This is what I conveyed to her.  She decided for the sake of her parents not to convert and I supported her in the decision.  I believe that I acted as a good Jew!  I strongly resent your implication that because I did not marry a Jew and did not require her to become a Jew that I was not a good Jew.  Maybe it is time for you to be reminded of the commandment to “love your neighbor as yourself!”.

Norman S. Simons

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My friends:
 
My husband (who is Jewish) and I were married twenty odd years ago in a civil ceremony. Rabbi Eric was right about one thing. Just being married to a Jew was NOT enough. Years later, I converted to Judaism. I've been "official" since September 13th 2006. 
 
Just over a year after my conversion, we renewed our vows in the Jewish manner. For those of you who argue that the wedding doesn't matter, I disagree completely.  It mattered, so very much.  This ceremony was the latest turn in a journey that began when I was a child. Once an orphan, I have found a spiritual home. 
 
Conversion wasn't easy.  Good things aren't supposed to be.  My studies lasted  for well over a year.  It was an experience I'll never forget.  Good, honest dialogue with a fantastic, equally honest Rabbi. 
 
That forthrightness iwas extremely important to me.  His position on this issue really didn't matter. But the relationship we created, and his kindness, did.  I've never felt more "welcomed" by anyone. More than that. For the very first time, I felt understood.
 
More recently, I became involved with Outreach. The honesty I've learned from our Rabbi has equipped me well, I hope, for the task at hand. Clarity is important ... the choices that these couples and our Rabbis will make are, too.  But honesty and kindness are even more so.  Thanks to each of you for that ... so very much.
 
Cathy Shapiro

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Volume 44 - Are the growing numbers of independent minyanim a challenge to the movements

It seems to me that in general, Rabbi Mintz is right that we need to blow our own shofar but even a cursory look at the Halakhic Think Tank at Machon Hadar demonstrates that some of the differences between the Minyanim and Reform Judaism will make the gap somewhat hard to bridge.  Specifically, Reform Judaism is affirmatively not a Halakhic movement (even though our rabbis have the capacity to provide responsa grounded in halakhah) and the Conservative movement that minyanim members are fleeing in droves still claims to be halakhic.  The egalitarian nature of Reform Judaism will appeal to minyan'iks but they will ultimately reject our lack of halakhah.

On balance, then, I think Rabbi Mintz is correct that we should view minyanim as a challenge and an opportunity.  One possible way would be to help unaffiliated minyanim with space and try and provide links for our members to participate in their worship.  But here's an interesting thought experiment:  suppose a minyan wanted to meet at our synagogue but refused to count women as part of the minyan?  What if they forbid instruments in the service?  What if they wanted to exclude our members from participation (or at least counting as part of a minyan) because they are Jews of only Patrilineal descent?  How would we deal with those issues?

Best,

Adam Bobrow

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Independent minyanim sound good on the surface but suffer from several problems.  The first is the weakening of the traditional synagogue, as these people take their contributions, social and financial, to other venues.  Traditional synagogues are important; imagine a world without them.  Second, there is usually a diminution of ritual.  Ritual, for all its sameness and apparent irrelevance, is nonetheless the backbone of the faith, the vehicle carrying and protecting the precious moral code.  Third, over time the conduct and philosophy of each of the various groups will inevitably drift away, one from the other, and from the central core of teachings.  Fourth, separate groups can never act as forcefully on the public scene as the same total population acting together.  Fifth, separation vitiates that sense of collegiality fostered by membership and activity in the same congregation.

One may also wonder whether the urge to form a separate group is driven by a thirst for knowledge and a quest for new beginnings, or simply an expression of dissatisfaction better resolved by discussion and compromise within the original framework of worship, rather than just picking up one's marbles and going down the block to play.  One wonders.

Barry Lerner