Dr. Naomi Baum

This has been a particularly interesting time to write about this topic from both a personal and professional perspective.  The past month has provided many challenges to just that question posed.  Over the last month we, in Israel, experienced an intense war that affected more than a million citizens including hundreds of thousands of children.  When children are exposed directly to stress and trauma, the need to address this issue is pressing.  Aside from considering how much to share with our children we must recognize that children probably learn most from the role models they see around them: How do the adults in their environment relate to stress and trauma?  What kinds of coping styles do they employ?  The way adults communicate about these issues may be even more important than what they communicate.  Our research with young children and their parents in Sderot shows that there is a very strong relationship between parents' levels of post traumatic distress and that of their children.  When parents are stressed their children also show signs of significant stress and dysfunction.

The Hebrew language is an ancient and wise one.  If we listen carefully to the nuances of the language we can glean some important insights.  For example the word for ear in Hebrew is "ozen"
(??? ).  This is the identical root as the Hebrew word for balance- "izun"  (????? ).  What can we learn from this?  In order to attain a balanced state we must open our ears and listen.  How do we do this? 

In the program we have developed, "Building Personal and Professional Resilience,"  we have worked with thousands of professionals from all walks of life in Israel and abroad including teachers, firefighters, police, youth leaders, rabbis and more.  The first stage of this work focuses on developing self awareness and creating that reflective space to begin to listen to ourselves.  The program progresses to an exploration of emotions and the development of listening and communication skills surrounding difficult topics which usually involve complicated emotions that we often avoid: fear, sadness, and loss.  We conclude with units on expanding coping resources and finding meaning.

From these workshops we have learned that before we can open our "outer" ear to listen to the outside world; our spouses, our children, our friends, or our parents, we must open our "inner" ear to listen to ourselves.  Asking questions such as: “How am I doing? How much stress do I have today and how does that compare to yesterday?  How are outside events impacting on my feelings, my thoughts and my behaviors?”  form the cornerstone of our resilience building work. Giving ourselves a space for self reflection is so important in our high paced lives.  Once we have allowed ourselves this reflective space, we can then open ourselves to listen and communicate openly and honestly with the people who are near and dear to us, including our young children.

Returning to our Jewish sources and to Pirke Avot/ Ethics of the Fathers, Chapter 2, we find Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai asking his five students what is the most important trait for a person to acquire in order to live his life well. The answer that Rabbi Yochanan prefers is the one given by his student Rabbi Elazar ben Arach, who says that a "good heart" is the most valuable trait.  To me, that "good heart" encompasses an openness to our fellow human beings, from a place where we first know our own heart and have taken the time to explore and reflect on the feelings that come from that heart. 

Returning to our initial question: "How much should we share with our children about our own feelings and struggles?" I would urge us first to share with ourselves, to take the time and make a reflective space to listen to our innermost thoughts.  Once we do that, and take care of ourselves, we will be able to share with our children from a more balanced place, opening our own ear ("ozen") and helping to create an environment of warmth, sharing and openness that will bring balance ("izun") into our children's lives.

Dr. Donna Hart

In summary I would like to continue to discuss my view that children need to be considered and protected from difficult information that we are facing in our world today. I believe children are very aware of what goes on around them and are very sensitive to the anxieties and concerns of the adults to whom they are close. But, we need to be very cognizant of their maturity level and their ability to process certain material.

Just yesterday I received a call from a patient who had saved her 11-year-old son from choking by doing the Heimlich maneuver. The boy was taken by ambulance to the emergency room and overheard the EMT tell his mother that she had indeed saved his life. Her son has been asking her numerous times a day what would have happened to him if he had died. She wanted to know how to respond.

The child had been traumatized by the choking and the close call and was stuck on the question about what happens after you die. The family is very religious and very clear about their views of death, so clearly that was not what he was asking.

We don’t know how a child will process a trauma or information about a serious threat. Yet, we need to know our children well enough to help them process trauma that they experience that is not in our control. We must be careful how much we expose them to when we do have an opportunity to make choices about how much information we give them, and how we present that information.

I am personally and professionally a very optimistic person and feel that erring on the side of optimism in our world, with our leaders, in our future is best for everyone. Predicting doom, destruction, war and a financial depression does not create a good environment for a child to grow up. If we have to give them information to protect them from a dangerous situation, of course we must do that, but we must do that with a great deal of thought and care.