Dr. Bruce Phillips

Kathy Kahn and I are in fundamental agreement that Reform synagogues should not only welcome interfaith families, they should also express their appreciation to the non-Jewish spouses who are raising their children as Jews. However, we do have two areas of disagreement.

The first is her statement that “…50% of the children in our religious school classrooms have one parent who was not born Jewish.” The National Jewish Population Study (NJPS) specifically states that 33% of children enrolled in Reform supplementary schools are from interfaith households. While even a third of our students having a non-Jewish parent is a significant number, it is important for the credibility of outreach that we not overstate our case.

While it is certainly a good thing that these children are enrolled in our schools (remember, 80% of interfaith children are not raised in Judaism), we should not overlook some of the real challenges inherent in the interfaith home.  The NJPS reveals that three out of four interfaith families in our schools truly are inter-faith, meaning that the non-Jewish spouse identifies as a Christian (as opposed to identifying as purely secular). Do some of them wish their children to be knowledgeable about Christianity as well?  How do our congregations and we as a movement handle that?  

Furthermore, should we ask even more of the non-Jewish spouses? Should we ask those who identify with no religion to consider learning about ours? Should we suggest to those who do have a faith that our faith might be just as spiritually fulfilling?  Should we ask them to give up Christmas? Dawn Kepler, founding director of the “Building Jewish Bridges” program in Northern California, has observed that:

Celebrating Chanukah is no replacement for Christmas.  …. In a recent group we talked about the five senses and how they are engaged by Christmas... Love, family closeness, childhood memories, the smell of evergreen, taste of gingerbread.  Chanukah simply will not replace these brick by brick. (For more information on Building Jewish Bridges: http://buildingjewishbridges.org/)

In her experience, giving up Christmas is too difficult a sacrifice for most non-Jewish spouses. On the other hand, the research shows that growing up with a Christmas tree is strongly associated with subsequent intermarriage as an adult. The Christmas tree (or more precisely, the absence of one) is a boundary marker that says “we are different.”  The non-Jew often argues, in the words of one my interviewees: “This is a Jewish home 364 days a year, why can’t it be a non-Jewish home just one day a year?”  Are we ready to answer that this is possibly the one day that matters most?

My second disagreement is the implications of the 2008 Brandeis study, “It’s Not Just Who Stands Under the Chuppah: Intermarriage and Engagement”: “It is engagement and not intermarriage that presents both the greatest challenge and the most promising arena for intervention…  It depends less on whom young Jews marry than their capacity to find meaning in Judaism and the ability of parents to be role models in this endeavor.”  I heartily agree with the importance of Jewish engagement, but there is one thing missing from this analysis. As I showed in my first essay, the presence of a non-Jewish spouse does make a difference, no matter the engagement level of the Jewish partner. While strongly committed Jews are more likely to join the synagogue, those who have a non-Jewish spouse are only half as likely to join a synagogue as their equally committed in-married counterparts. The non-Jewish spouse, after all, is half of the equation.

Further, the image of standing under the chuppah is misleading. The NJPS reveals that less than a quarter of interfaith marriages take place under a chuppah (i.e. with a rabbi officiating). A neutral site, ceremony, and officiant (e.g. Justice of the Peace) is by far the most common way for an interfaith couple to marry, and the reason is simple. The non-Jewish spouse and/or their family want their own ethno-religious heritage included in the ceremony.

There is much work ahead for outreach and much more we need to know about the viewpoints and experiences of our non-Jewish family members.  Sadly, the Jewish community likes to cite research, but is less enthusiastic about supporting it.