Finding My Voice and Connecting with God

By Josh Nelson I could see her sitting against the wall. She was different from the other kids, withdrawn and separated from the group. My grandmother would have called her “a bit of an odd duck.” She was just… other. The kids leapt into the air, singing at the top of their lungs. “Ivdu et haShem b’simcha…” (Worship God with gladness) Arms intertwined, they called out with joy, lost in the extraordinary moment that is a Friday evening song session. They didn’t seem to notice her. This wasn’t born of malicious intent, but simply the result of an extraordinarily exciting moment. She had removed herself subtly, so no one would pay attention to her absence. The songleaders moved the group along with ease. The campers sang and danced with all their might, then suddenly came together in the center of the te’atron (theater) at the URJ Kutz Camp. They put their arms around each other, preparing for a moment filled with musical and spiritual meaning. I grew up loving music in a way I can’t describe. I longed for opportunities to make it, and could never seem to get enough of it; it was a respite, a momentary vacation from the challenges of a difficult childhood. Music was everywhere, from the 6/8 metronomic clicking of the turn signal in my mother’s station wagon to the droning perfect 5^th hummed by the dishwasher in my best friend’s home. For me, music was a point of spiritual access, a doorway that seemed to be locked during silence but wide open during moments of rhythm or tonality. I sang in my religious school choir, and wrote little songs sitting alone in my house after school. I became the part-time organist at my shul (synagogue) on Saturday mornings. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was searching for a language with which to express my spirituality, and I was learning that the power of music was a viable way to speak to God. Today, it’s easy to take this contemporary musical culture for granted. Although there are still Jews who disdain any music in worship other than traditional nusach, (prayer melodies) our community has learned to embrace a balance between the old and the new, enabling all who come together to find their own melody, their own song. Although I wasn’t there during the early days of Kutz Camp, some of my closest friends were. They love to share stories of those times, tales of musical creativity and experimentation. Music poured forth like water from Warwick, NY, as liturgical and spiritual songs became the soundtrack to life-altering summers. And suddenly, NFTY developed its own musical canon, a shared aural experience that would ingrain itself in the memories of all who experienced it. The singing, dancing, and joy that were present that evening at camp… I will always remember those. My first Shabbat at Kutz was a watershed moment for me, a moment in which I realized the power of this very holy and important work. When these kids are parents themselves, looking back on their days at camp with nostalgic wonder, they, too, will remember the people, the places, and the singing. As the kids came together in a close circle, several of them became aware of the girl still sitting against the wall. They broke away from the group, knelt beside her and encouraged her to join them. She shook her head at first, but they responded with warmth and kindness, and she ultimately agreed. She rose to her feet and walked to the circle, where two girls separated their intertwined arms so she might find a place between them. Suddenly, no one was disconnected, and any feelings of loneliness and separation were swallowed up by the extraordinary sound of community. The song leaders looked at each other for just a moment, acknowledging the beauty of what had just happened, sharing an unspoken understanding of the inherent power of their holy and critical work. As the sound of the group rang out across the lake, I saw the girl, swaying back and forth, eyes closed, singing strong. And, I knew that I was home. Josh Nelson, a popular performer, composer, multi-instrumentalist, and songwriter of modern Jewish music, brings spirituality to concert stages and worship services around the world.